Strawberry Shortcake
by pages.of.altaire
Summary: Shiro complains that the strawberry shortcake is not made in the right way. Our authoress is getting tortured. WARNING: crack, swears, future sex.


Me: Hi!

Ichigo/Hichigo:...

Me:...You guys are so mean.

Ichigo/Hichigo:...

Me:...I know where you live.

Ichigo/Hichigo: That would be in your house Shaorin.

Me: Damn! Enjoy, and I don't own Bleach.

* * *

It was a beautiful day. No parents, no annoying brother, no pestering friends, no pets that are on crack, and definitely, no crazy and insane Bleach characters roaming in and around the house.

As the authoress, Shaorin-chan, sat down on her squishy black cushion that she had ever since kindergarten (because she claimed that the cushions they had at the school was ugly and hard and smelled like diapers), she couldn't help but give a happy sigh.

Yes, life _was_ good. Life _is_ good. And life _will be_ good. And if anyone disagrees, she'll kill and bite them like a dog with rabies and a bad attitude (which she calls "battitude").

There are rare days when she could get peace and quiet around the house. What with a big family like hers, silence just didn't exist. And adding on all the Bleach cast, well, let's just say that it's amazing that her house and family haven't gone bye-bye yet (her mother had actually once strongly disagreed with having such hot and sexy men around the house, saying that it will "distract" her from her studies and taint her "innocent" mind. What her poor mother doesn't know was that Shaorin-chan was never a pure and chaste soul from the start, and will, sad to say, always be distracted by such things).

As she sat in the living room posed like a Buddha, Shaorin-chan's mood couldn't get any better.

Yes, silence is bliss.

That is until…

"I TOLD YA TA GET ME STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE! NOT THIS PILE OF BROWN AN' RED SHIT YA BITCH!!!" A yell started, and then a mass of some delicious-looking strawberry shortcake came flying out of the kitchen looking like an over-grown fly from one of Mayuri's failed experiments.

And being a failure in life, our poor authoress couldn't dodge in time so instead, she took the hit.

_SPLAT!!!_

Shaorin-chan twitched like a semi-dead lizard as the sticky, red, strawberry sauce trailed down from her hair to her neck. Yep, this is gonna take another 3 hour shower…she could just feel the sauce traveling down her shirt and into her bra now…Ew.

"What is it Shiro?" Shaorin-chan asked while gritting her teeth. She was so close to killing the albino by impaling and squishing him with a cactus and an elephant now.

"How many times do I have ta tell your dead brain tha' I want strawberry shortcake _done in the right way_?" Shiro growled.

"I don't know, if my brain was dead I wouldn't be keeping count." Shaorin-chan muttered sarcastically.

"Shut it, ya bitch! Don' make me throw ya out tha' window." Shiro threatened.

"It's a 5 feet drop from that window to the ground, I think my bones can handle it." Shaorin-chan retorted.

"Urgh! Don' play games with me ya smart-ass! Now where's the strawberry shortcake?" Shiro whined.

"This," Shaorin-chan hissed while pointing to her head, "is all I had left. Unless you want to suck this off, which by the way, please don't, then act like a man and go buy some yourself!"

"I can' go buy it, the things would be just floatin' out the store." Shiro retorted.

"Then deal with it or go suck Ichigo's cock! His is technically a "strawberry" right?" Shaorin-chan said with a devilish smirk on her face, knowing about the two's constant nighttime activities.

"I'M GONNA KILL YA, YA NO GOOD, MOTHER FUCKER!!!" Shiro screamed as he made a lunge at our poor authoress.

"Shiro what are you doing?" Ichigo asked as he popped into the living room.

Shiro halted in mid-lunge and immediately turned around with a snarl on his face.

"I'm doin' us all a favor by killin' this intolerable excuse of a girl an' an authoress. Wha' do ya think I'm doin'?" The albino growled.

"Whatever, just make sure you keep the volume down. And Shaorin, are you trying to drowning yourself in that puddle of…whatever it is?" Ichigo said as he looked at the authoress weirdly.

"No, on the contrary, quite the opposite." Shaorin-chan muttered as a bit of her sanity and patience slipped away.

"You guys had another shortcake fight didn't you?" Ichigo sighed as he finally knew what the substance stuck to the authoress' head was.

"Not my fault, the midget's fuckin' blind." Shiro muttered, but then brightened up.

Racing to and back from the kitchen, Shiro had in his hand what appeared to be a bottle of whipped cream and some…English muffins. Then without hesitation, dragged the protesting orange-haired Shinigami up the stairs.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going? My mom is going to flip if she finds food upstairs!" Shaorin-chan called out after them.

"Well then she can go and pee in her pants!" Shiro called back.

"No seriously! Shiro! SHIRO, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THE WHIPPED CREAM AND THE MUFFINS?" Shaorin-chan shouted with the last of her breath as she watched Ichigo and Shiro disappear up the stairs.

"TA MAKE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE DAMMNIT! AND IN THE RIGHT WAY THIS TIME!!" Shiro howled back before he slammed the door to the bedroom…_the authoress'_ bedroom shut.

* * *

Me: *smiles*

Ichigo: So I'm the "strawberry sauce"?

Hichigo: Yup.

Me: *frowns* You know what you guys do isn't really up to me, but can you guys do it somewhere else? My mom is really starting to get aggravated of the ever-growing pile of bed sheets that's jammed into my laundry basket. I'm surprised that she didn't even notice the cum on it, and I'm getting tired of the smell every time I go into my bedroom.

Hichigo: Nope!

Me: *sigh* Please read and review.


End file.
